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Category Archives: ponderings

Fake England

Yesterday, while in a group dinner situation, we were passing around a bottle of Yogo Vera, a Korean peach-flavored? (the question mark is there because it tasted nothing like peach, but I clearly remember a picture of a peach on the bottle) yogurt drink, inexplicably labelled in Spanish on one side and fake English on the other.  Yes,  Spanish and fake English.  Languages that are not fashionable in the Koreas at this time.  We were rather confused as to why the company would choose to label their product in Spanish and fake English, but they had.

Now this got me thinking, maybe the bottle wasn’t labelled in fake English but Fake English.  They are easy to confuse as they are quite similar in some respects.  Maybe it’s labelled in Fake English because really the product was supposed to be shipped to Fake England but somehow made it to us instead (we do not live in Fake England, in case you are wondering).   I am able to deduce that products labelled in Fake English are meant for Fake England because Fake England is the only country which has Fake English as its national language.  The citizens of Fake England speak numerous other languages, as they are all quite talented, but their native tongue is Fake English.

Perhaps you have never heard of Fake England before, but you have more than likely sampled products Fake England exports and just didn’t know it.  They have a lot of cover companies.  But where do you think fake sugar comes from?  Or fake designer bags?  If you thought fake designer bags come from Hong Kong, you’re only partially correct.  Hong Kong has a trade agreement with Fake England to import their fake designer bags, which are really Fake designer bags.  You know the “knock-off bags” that sometimes look so good it’s hard to tell whether or not they’re fake?  It’s because they aren’t mere fake designer bags but Fake designer bags, ones made in Fake England.  They have high manufacturing standards.  The cheapo ones that you find are ones that are made in one of the countries on Earth.  I guess our manufacturing standards for fake goods are not as stringent as Fake England’s standards for their Fake goods.  I guess that makes sense.  They’re making real Fake goods after all and we’re just making knock-offs.

The same thing goes for fake sugar and Fake sugar.  When you consume a pastry, or something, and don’t realize that it was actually a diet pastry and contained no real sugar, that’s because it was made with Fake sugar and not that gross fake sugar stuff.  This…probably hasn’t happened to you.  That’s because Fake sugar is really hard to come by.  It’s very rare and you will cry tears of disbelief when you finally eat a pastry made with Fake sugar.  Then you will weep with sorrow because you will realize that you may never again taste the wonderment that is a pastry made with Fake sugar and you are forever doomed to eat pastries made with fake sugar.  Or you could just eat the non-diet kind.  You know.

Anyway, it’s not just Hong Kong that has a trade agreement (and portal) to Fake England.  A lot of the Asian countries do.  Some of the European countries also have trade agreements with Fake England.  I think sometimes Fake England will make trade agreements with individuals as well.  You rarely see a country selling off really wonderful Fake paintings after all.  It’s always a wealthy patron of the arts that somehow, mysteriously, with great aplomb unearths a wonderful masterpiece heretofore undiscovered by one of the great artists of yore and all the experts are taken in, and then several years later, after the wealthy patron of the arts has disappeared or died or something, alas the painting is discovered to be a fake!  How were so many experts deceived by such a ruse?  Obviously because it was a Fake.

Now, I’m not saying that Fake England exports all these things here to try and ruin us or something.  But they’re capitalists and we’re capitalists and we are definitely supplying them with a demand for Fake goods.  Think about it.

Magic ring powers

Recently, an online acquaintance of mine was married and joined the ranks of the League of Married Gentlemen.  Soon after getting married, he inquired after how long it takes before his ring would start manifesting its magical powers.  Now, being neither married nor a gentleman, this was a great revelation to me.  I never knew there was such a phenomenon as to one’s wedding ring unlocking one’s latent magical powers or granting one some powers if one didn’t already have latent magical powers.  But if you consider it, even briefly, you’ll realize that this makes sense.  There is plenty of precedent to rings unlocking or granting magical powers.  Wikipedia mentions that there are instances of magic rings in folklore of every country where there are rings.  And how about the Green Lantern Corps?  Granted, they don’t just have rings but also lanterns, but the ring is integral to the Corps and how members wield their powers.  Surely you know about the Green Lantern Corps.  Didn’t a movie just come out about them?  (I am not a movie person.)

But wait, you say, surely you can’t base all of your speculation off comics and folklore!  Pff.  Sure I can.  Comics are a very good source of information.  Need I remind you of Dr. McNinja or Axe Cop?  All very good and trustworthy sources of information.  But seeing as how you are not satisfied, I will also tell you that I have found a real life instance in which one of my married, male friends (who is arguably a gentleman) has unlocked his ring powers.

I kid you not.  I was as shocked and taken aback as you are.  I have known him for many years now and we are pretty good friends.  He did not have any interesting powers when we first met, through college, and beyond.  He was a fairly typical gEEky guy.  So, I couldn’t believe that he would and could hide something like that from me.  But it’s true.  I asked him directly and he confirmed it.  Of course, he started being very evasive and wouldn’t answer any more of my questions after my initial one.  I guess there’s some kind of League of Married Gentlemen code to not give out too much information after one’s ring powers have been unlocked.  But another (mutual) friend and I have talked it over and here’s what we believe happened.

So, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  I have this on very good authority.  However, I regret that I cannot inform you as to who my source is.  Sorry.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Anyway, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is led by the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables is the garlic.  Before learning about shamanism and the dance of the vegetables, my aforementioned “another friend” and I realized our friend, who is the king of the vegetables, bears an amazing resemblance to the garlic plant in Plants vs Zombies (which is on sale for 75% off at the writing of this post).  The resemblance actually has been getting stronger with each passing year.

Yes, he really does resemble the garlic. He has better teeth though.

So, you see?  The garlic is the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables leads the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is the first step to shamanism.  My friend is really a top notch shaman!  That’s his ring power!  He also has the ability to unlock the way of shamanism for others if they seek him out and convince him to lead the dance of the vegetables for them.  Or maybe with them.  I’m not too clear on that point.  And I know that he has done this at least once because I asked him if had led the dance of the vegetables and he affirmed it.

I am so amazed.  AMAZED!  My friend is actually a part of the League of Married Gentlemen and has unlocked his ring power!  I was trying to pinpoint when he unlocked this power so I could maybe relay some useful information back to my online acquaintance about what he might expect for his ring power.  But alas, I cannot.  All I know is that my garlic friend has been married for about four years now.  I’m not sure if his case is typical or not.  I have asked another one of my married, male friends who has been married for about two years or so about his ring powers.  He has not answered thus far.  His wife has though and she’s convinced that some of that ring power should be hers.  I…don’t know about that.  I don’t know if there’s a League of Married Gentleladies or anything, as 1) I am not married and 2) I am arguably not a lady, as I have neither the grace nor bearing of a lady.  I suppose I could fake being a lady if I had to, but I probably couldn’t sustain it for long periods of time and that doesn’t really help with the not being married thing anyway.  I’m ok with that because I would prefer to be a villain.  Mwaahahahhahaha!  Ahem…