Skip navigation

Tag Archives: super villains

Yes, that’s right.  Talking about food.  You might think that isn’t a real superpower.  But let me present you with the following conversation:

A-pusher: So I’m sitting here talking with my bfs aunt and uncles…  And I somehow managed to turn [the] conversation to food 😂😂😂😂

Me: 😂😂😂

A-pusher: I think this is my secret power

Me: Yes yes.  Not so secret though.  It must be a super power.
Like, a super villain has his laser gun pointed at you and is totes about to pull the trigger but then you’re all like, but what about hot dogs???  And he’s immediately like, ooooh, hot dogs, with deli mustard!!

A-pusher: Yes yes. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

See how useful it could be?  You’re facing imminent death at the hand of your arch enemy, but you immediately distract him with thoughts of food and you’re free to make your escape.  Or have your sidekick come and help you out or something.  Whatevs.  Actually, since this is a conversation about food, I guess you have to get your sidekick to come in and take over the conversation while you make your escape.  You can rescue your sidekick later.

So really, I know that this is just a highly specific instance of distraction.  I’m sure there are superheros with the highly developed skill of distraction, to the point where it could be a superpower.  I can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure there’s one in existence.

Well, A-pusher happens to have this superpower but it only works with food.  Of course, being such a specific superpower…I have to wonder how well it could be applied to certain situations.  Like, what about zombies?  I mean sure, you can distract any living, human super villain with a conversation about food and probably an animal super villain.  But…zombies?  They’re not so much motivated by food, just brains.  I think most people don’t consider brains to be food.  And are zombies even eating brains for sustenance?  If they’re not, could brains even be considered food to zombies?  I guess like any good superpower, it’s going to have to be applied with some judicious loopholery.

And yes…that’s totally how A-pusher and I talk to each other.

I have a new potential supervillain identity. And it makes for a really good exercise routine too. I am going to be…The Dog Food Bandit.

Think about it. You’re shopping at a big warehouse store and you leave your cart unobtrusively unattended at the side of a display in order to run down a crowded aisle to pick up an item. But when you get back, heavily laden with consumer goods, you find that your cart suspiciously now has a 35lb bag of dog food in it.

Bewildered, you look around for a cart with similar items without the dog food, but there don’t seem to be any unsupervised carts anywhere. You search awhile longer for your cart, but it’s in vain. Since the only logical explanation is that someone else had taken your cart without the dog food, you just unload your item into the cart, park the sack of dog food by a pallet of water, and continue on with your shopping trip, always suspiciously looking around to see if there’s someone else with similar items to yours in their cart.

Your bewilderment and bemusement stay with you for the rest of the day causing you a certain amount of unease. Why would someone steal your cart? What would be the point of such an exercise? That person now has the eggs you spent a great deal of time examining to make sure they matched you exact specifications. That cart thief probably doesn’t even appreciate the time and care you put into selecting the carton of eggs.

Yet…the cart thief seems to have a similar preference for perfect, unblemished eggs. In fact, the carton of eggs looks eerily similar to the one you had picked out earlier. But this definitely was not your cart. You definitely didn’t have a 35lb bag of dog food in your cart.

You give yourself a headache pondering the particulars of the situation.

And off to the side, lurking in the shadows, I rub my hands in glee as I watch you struggle with your predicament. Your day is ruined. And all I had to do was nonchalantly walk around the store with a 35lb of dog food to offload into your cart when you weren’t looking.