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Superpower: Talking about food

Yes, that’s right.  Talking about food.  You might think that isn’t a real superpower.  But let me present you with the following conversation:

A-pusher: So I’m sitting here talking with my bfs aunt and uncles…  And I somehow managed to turn [the] conversation to food 😂😂😂😂

Me: 😂😂😂

A-pusher: I think this is my secret power

Me: Yes yes.  Not so secret though.  It must be a super power.
Like, a super villain has his laser gun pointed at you and is totes about to pull the trigger but then you’re all like, but what about hot dogs???  And he’s immediately like, ooooh, hot dogs, with deli mustard!!

A-pusher: Yes yes. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

See how useful it could be?  You’re facing imminent death at the hand of your arch enemy, but you immediately distract him with thoughts of food and you’re free to make your escape.  Or have your sidekick come and help you out or something.  Whatevs.  Actually, since this is a conversation about food, I guess you have to get your sidekick to come in and take over the conversation while you make your escape.  You can rescue your sidekick later.

So really, I know that this is just a highly specific instance of distraction.  I’m sure there are superheros with the highly developed skill of distraction, to the point where it could be a superpower.  I can’t think of any right now, but I’m sure there’s one in existence.

Well, A-pusher happens to have this superpower but it only works with food.  Of course, being such a specific superpower…I have to wonder how well it could be applied to certain situations.  Like, what about zombies?  I mean sure, you can distract any living, human super villain with a conversation about food and probably an animal super villain.  But…zombies?  They’re not so much motivated by food, just brains.  I think most people don’t consider brains to be food.  And are zombies even eating brains for sustenance?  If they’re not, could brains even be considered food to zombies?  I guess like any good superpower, it’s going to have to be applied with some judicious loopholery.

And yes…that’s totally how A-pusher and I talk to each other.

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On spiders and coworkers

I think I found a new superpower.  I see spiders on coworkers.  Not like fake spiders.  I’m not hallucinating spiders on people.  I just seem to have a knack for seeing a spider crawling over my coworkers.  And by knack, I mean that I’ve seen it happen twice.  (Also, there are no pictures of spiders in this post.)

The second time happened just recently.  I was at lunch with my PM, whom I will call 💄 (yes there is a reason behind my choice in emoji, no I won’t explain what it is), inside a relatively nice restaurant.  He was talking to me about a project when I looked up and saw a small jumping spider crawling across his chest.  True to form, I didn’t say anything right away.  It was a jumping spider after all.  I thought maybe it would jump off.  But no, it continued on its merry way all the way up to his collar.  At that point, I decided that it would be a good idea to say something.  I figured my PM would probably start if he felt the spider crawl onto his neck and then maybe he’d fling the spider into someone’s food and cause a big commotion.  I try and avoid big commotions.

The thing was, he was talking and kept talking.  I don’t really like to interrupt people.  Also, it’s hard for me to interrupt people.  They generally don’t hear me.  But I figured I really needed to make an effort to let him know that there was a spider on his collar.

When I finally got his attention, as he didn’t really need to pay attention to me to tell me about the project, it took longer than I expected to convey the information that there was a spider on his collar.  First of all, it took a while for him to understand that there was a spider on his shirt.  Then it took longer for him to understand that it was on his collar.

Me: [💄], there’s a spider on your shirt.

💄: What?  Anyway, I think we will need the software—

Me: Really, there’s a spider on your shirt.  It’s on your collar.

💄: Huh?  About the software, have you used it before?

Me: Spider.  On your shirt.  Collar.  [points to collar]

💄: Oh, there’s a spider on me?  [brushes at shoulder]

Me: No, on your collar.  [points to collar]

💄: Huh?  [brushes at chest]

Me: Collar!  [points to collar]

💄: [brushes at sleeve]

Me: The spider is on your collar!

💄: Oh, my collar?  [looks at collar, sees spider, calmly brushes spider off]  It’s a jumping spider.

Me: Yes, it is a jumping spider. [secretly impressed 💄 knows it’s a jumping spider; immediately makes mental comparisons to previous spider-on-coworker incident]

Overall, I was quite amused by the incident. 💄’s demeanor was quite different from Mr. Arachnid’s.  There was no stiffening in surprise. 💄 was calm and relaxed and nonchalant about the whole ordeal.  But he also completely was not listening to me otherwise the incident would have been over much quicker.  Perhaps it was also slightly infuriating since he was listening but totally not listening to me at the same time.  At least Mr. Arachnid listened and then later told me that I should tell him such things sooner so that “we can plan a course of action.”  I am still very entertained by that line.

As it was, 💄 brushed the spider off into the aisle and there possibly was a waiter walking by at the time.  I don’t really remember.  The spider might have made it onto someone’s food despite all my effort.  Sugh.