Skip navigation

Tag Archives: fangirl

Magic ring powers

Recently, an online acquaintance of mine was married and joined the ranks of the League of Married Gentlemen.  Soon after getting married, he inquired after how long it takes before his ring would start manifesting its magical powers.  Now, being neither married nor a gentleman, this was a great revelation to me.  I never knew there was such a phenomenon as to one’s wedding ring unlocking one’s latent magical powers or granting one some powers if one didn’t already have latent magical powers.  But if you consider it, even briefly, you’ll realize that this makes sense.  There is plenty of precedent to rings unlocking or granting magical powers.  Wikipedia mentions that there are instances of magic rings in folklore of every country where there are rings.  And how about the Green Lantern Corps?  Granted, they don’t just have rings but also lanterns, but the ring is integral to the Corps and how members wield their powers.  Surely you know about the Green Lantern Corps.  Didn’t a movie just come out about them?  (I am not a movie person.)

But wait, you say, surely you can’t base all of your speculation off comics and folklore!  Pff.  Sure I can.  Comics are a very good source of information.  Need I remind you of Dr. McNinja or Axe Cop?  All very good and trustworthy sources of information.  But seeing as how you are not satisfied, I will also tell you that I have found a real life instance in which one of my married, male friends (who is arguably a gentleman) has unlocked his ring powers.

I kid you not.  I was as shocked and taken aback as you are.  I have known him for many years now and we are pretty good friends.  He did not have any interesting powers when we first met, through college, and beyond.  He was a fairly typical gEEky guy.  So, I couldn’t believe that he would and could hide something like that from me.  But it’s true.  I asked him directly and he confirmed it.  Of course, he started being very evasive and wouldn’t answer any more of my questions after my initial one.  I guess there’s some kind of League of Married Gentlemen code to not give out too much information after one’s ring powers have been unlocked.  But another (mutual) friend and I have talked it over and here’s what we believe happened.

So, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  I have this on very good authority.  However, I regret that I cannot inform you as to who my source is.  Sorry.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Anyway, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is led by the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables is the garlic.  Before learning about shamanism and the dance of the vegetables, my aforementioned “another friend” and I realized our friend, who is the king of the vegetables, bears an amazing resemblance to the garlic plant in Plants vs Zombies (which is on sale for 75% off at the writing of this post).  The resemblance actually has been getting stronger with each passing year.

Yes, he really does resemble the garlic. He has better teeth though.

So, you see?  The garlic is the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables leads the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is the first step to shamanism.  My friend is really a top notch shaman!  That’s his ring power!  He also has the ability to unlock the way of shamanism for others if they seek him out and convince him to lead the dance of the vegetables for them.  Or maybe with them.  I’m not too clear on that point.  And I know that he has done this at least once because I asked him if had led the dance of the vegetables and he affirmed it.

I am so amazed.  AMAZED!  My friend is actually a part of the League of Married Gentlemen and has unlocked his ring power!  I was trying to pinpoint when he unlocked this power so I could maybe relay some useful information back to my online acquaintance about what he might expect for his ring power.  But alas, I cannot.  All I know is that my garlic friend has been married for about four years now.  I’m not sure if his case is typical or not.  I have asked another one of my married, male friends who has been married for about two years or so about his ring powers.  He has not answered thus far.  His wife has though and she’s convinced that some of that ring power should be hers.  I…don’t know about that.  I don’t know if there’s a League of Married Gentleladies or anything, as 1) I am not married and 2) I am arguably not a lady, as I have neither the grace nor bearing of a lady.  I suppose I could fake being a lady if I had to, but I probably couldn’t sustain it for long periods of time and that doesn’t really help with the not being married thing anyway.  I’m ok with that because I would prefer to be a villain.  Mwaahahahhahaha!  Ahem…

Advertisement

How to survive a zombie apocalypse with a scaredy-dog (1)

This post is about zombies, in case you couldn’t tell reading the title.  Not about peanut zombies, as depicted above (go check out his site, it’s the greatest), but zombies in general.

Recently, the CDC posted on their blog a brief list of things to do or have on hand in case of a zombie apocalypse.  This is very important.  You should always know what to do in case of an emergency and a zombie apocalypse is an emergent situation.  This got me thinking about how I would survive a zombie apocalypse.  I am apparently already well versed in zombie survival tactics.  Facebook told me so.  I took a few of the zombie related quizzes and my survival chance was always in the high 90th percentile.  I think I would stand a very good chance.  But the thing is, I might be in a group that does not know the proper zombie attack survival skills.  I mean, what if I was trying to survive with my dogs?

I’m not too worried about Choco.  She can be pretty stealthy when she wants to be.  All I have to do is take off her belled collar and you’d never know she was around.  That’s why she wears a belled collar to begin with.  She wouldn’t attract the zombies’ attention.

But what about Yaris?  Yaris is a bit of a scaredy-dog and she is not stealthy.  A friend often comments that her stealth rating is in the negatives.  That’s not stealthy at all (yet she still manages to catch and eat birds, but more on that another time).  Yaris might be so unstealthy that she’d end up attracting a lot of unwanted attention.  Well, basically any attention from the zombies is unwanted if the end goal is survival.  Anyway, what if she were like Captain Falcon and kept announcing her sneak?

This would be a problem.  Or…would it?  Zombies seem to be pretty willing to accept German Shepherd Dogs (GSDs) as their leader.  I’m not entirely sure if it’s only Hasta Mia that they’re willing to accept or if it’s all GSDs.  Seeing as how her brother was able to approach the zombies too and he’s also half GSD, I would say that zombies are just very tolerant of GSDs in general.  Yaris is a GSD.  The zombies might just ignore Yaris.  That would make her less of a liability to have around.  It might even get us close enough so that I could try Dr. McNinja’s technique for disabling zombies in close quarters when you cannot swing a weapon.  But wait, Dr. McNinja is a ninja and has had a lifetime of ninja training, you say.  How will you be able to mimic his technique?  Well, it’s true that I have not had a lifetime of ninja training, but I am a ninja.  Facebook told me so…and Facebook never lies and it wasn’t even a quiz that that told me I was a ninja this time, it was something else…and it’s classified.

Anyway, I think I may have unwittingly taken some of Frans Rayner’s ninja drug and became a ninja that way.  Anyway, because of that, obviously I would also be able to use Dr. McNinja’s method of close quarter fighting.  I would really like to try it out.

I guess if all else fails, I can always try and find a raptor.  Zombies are afraid of raptors.

Oh, oh!  Yaris has well-developed Yaris Beam!  How could I forget?

Choco’s Choco Beam isn’t fully developed yet, or it could be that she’s being stealthy and isn’t letting me know that she has full function of her Choco Beam.

At any rate, they’re both pretty smart dogs.  I’m sure they could be trained to unleash their respective beams to zap and/or fry zombies when necessary.  Maybe Yaris isn’t such a liability after all.  But she still wouldn’t be any good as a military dog.

This post was made possible by: Terry Border, Chris Hastings, Ethan and Malachai Nicolle, Matthew Taranto, the CDC, and zombies everywhere (the Western kind, not the Chinese hopping kind, more on that some other time).