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Laser Heat Vision!!!!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled post for breaking news (you’ll see the post I originally scheduled next Friday).

Ok, so it’s not really breaking.  But as of this writing (Thursday night) I am but mere hours from finally accomplishing a dream of mine.  That is to get LASER HEAT VISION!

You may wonder what laser heat vision is.  It’s something of a cross between Superman’s heat vision and something similar to Cyclops’ optic blast.  Cyclops’ laser vision is more concussive and that’s not really what I’m going after.  Not that it wouldn’t be fun.  I’m not really going after the weird, non-laser powers of Darkseid‘s omega beam either.  I’m mostly interested in the burny meltiness of lasers.  More like Timmy‘s heat vision.

Anyway, you may also wonder how I’m going to accomplish such a feat.  Simplicity itself.  I’m getting LASIK done tomorrow.  Now, I realize that most people don’t get LASIK done and then come back with laser heat vision but I plan on doing something different.  I plan on eating a lot of tomatoes before going in for the procedure.  Why tomatoes?  Why surely you remember the investigative blogging we did on laser tomatoes.

Now, eating a bunch of raw tomatoes is dangerous stuff.  I’ll have to make sure to take the proper precautions so I don’t accidentally blast someone’s head off or even my own head.  If I didn’t have a head, I would have no use for laser heat vision.  That would make me sad.  Oh, also I’d probably be dead.  That would probably make me sad too.

So, I plan to eat a whole meal of tomatoes with utmost care and precision tomorrow before the operation.  Thus, with my stomach still digesting tomatoes, I will undergo the procedure and the laser used to reshape my corneas will hopefully react with some of the tomato essence going through my bloodstream and I will obtain LASER HEAT VISION!!

It probably won’t happen right away.  They tell me that I’m supposed to sleep as long as I possibly can after the procedure.  They say it’s so the corneal flap can seal and start the healing process right away without my blinking interfering with everything.  That might be true, but I think maybe they’re hoping that I won’t find out about the laser heat vision.  Maybe it won’t work after you finished digesting all the tomatoes.  Maybe I’ll have to constantly refuel with tomatoes to be able to utilize my laser heat vision.  I don’t think I would mind.  I really like tomatoes anyway.  But I intend on using my powers as soon as I can.  I might take that 12 hour nap/zoymb/sleep like they’re asking me to.  I suppose I should try and refrain from using my laser heat vision during that time.  It probably would interfere with my corneas healing.  But I’ll definitely try when I wake up.  They tell me I have to sleep with these interesting eye shields on.  It’s probably to try and minimize the damage when you wake up and accidentally shoot lasers out of your eyes.

I'm sure it'll be just like this

I can’t wait.

Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual

I recently “read” Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual by Michael Pollan.  “Read” is in quotes because I ended up borrowing the illustrated version of the book from my local library (btw, libraries are a wonderful resource and you should definitely utilize them while you have the chance).  I hadn’t realized there was an illustrated version.  So, the whole book ended up reading a lot like a child’s picture book.  Not that I mind.  But I was expecting something more like one of his other books, like In Defense of Food or An Omnivore’s Dilemma, you know…actual books that you have to read.

Anyway, I picked up Michael Pollan’s Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual, illustrated edition, and it was rather interesting.  I didn’t particularly need a rulebook on how I’m supposed to eat.  I picked the book up because I like his writing and his take on food.  Have you realized that a lot of the things that we consider food today aren’t really?  They’re so processed that they’re more like the nutritional pellets of science fiction novels.  Also, I was curious what kind of rules he could possibly put down on how to eat.  What I found was basically, you should “[e]at food.  Not too much.  Mostly plants.”  The “rules” that he has in the book aren’t really rules in a traditional sense.  They’re more like guidelines to help you rethink what food is and what your relationship is to it.

One rule that made me rethink my relationship with food was “stop eating before you’re full.”  That one is interesting.  But it seems to be true for a lot of cultures around the world.  They don’t eat until they’re stuffed and their belly feels like it’s going to explode.  They eat until they are no longer hungry, which is not the same as eating until they’re full.  I’m not sure how I’m supposed to apply this when I’m babysitting (zombie sitting?) the zombie stomach.

Here’s another rule, just because.  “Regard nontraditional foods with skepticism.”  Maybe you should treat them like how you would suspicious hot dogs.

Anyway, pick it up and give it a read.  If nothing else, it’s short (because it’s like a picture book).