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I may have mentioned Axe Cop, one of my favorite comics ever (EVAR!), before.  Axe Cop is written by the brothers Nicolle and illustrated by the elder brother.  Well, the elder Axe Cop brother recently started a new comic, Bearmageddon, which I find quite enjoyable and pretty to look at.  The comic is about the all-out war between grizzly bears and humans.  He had mentioned that this was in the works before Axe Cop and that Axe Cop had just kind of…happened.  Well, what this really tells me is that he’s been doing research for awhile and now he’s warning us of what’s to come.  And not a moment too soon.

You see, the Bearmaggedon is real and we are entering into the first stages of it.  Have you read the news lately?  Here, let me help you.

  • There was a fatal grizzly attack in Yellowstone recently.  The second such attack this year.  Before then, the last fatal attack was 1986.  The bears are starting to ramp up their offensive.
  • One of the scouts was exposed and routed recently by this woman.
  • Here is a list of fatal bear attacks in North America from the 1870s on.
  • Anecdote: Recently phones and internet to my place of employment went down and we were basically without outside communication for the whole day.  There were some people outside my office up and down the street we’re on trimming trees.  What I believe was happening was that there was a bee farmer trying to get a hive of feral honey bees and then was eaten by a bear.  Bears desire honey, you see.  The bear that ate the bee farmer probably was tracking the hive of feral bees for himself and was upset that the bee farmer was trying to steal his bees.  And then there was a fight that knocked out our phone lines and internet for a whole day.  The bear may have done it on purpose.  Maybe he knows that I know about the Bearmageddon.  I should be careful.  But the message needs to get out all the same!

See?  It’s happening.  The bears are rallying and starting to deploy their scouts.  Soon, hordes of bears will be upon us!  I’m pretty sure it won’t be just the grizzlies either.  One of the articles mentioned a black bear.  The black bears make pretty good scouts, since they’re smaller.  They’ll probably have other roles when the war really starts.  I’m worried about the grolar bears.  Those are probably more dangerous than just polar bears or grizzlies alone.  They might be like the horrorsaurus, secret weapon of the dino apocalypse, only smaller and better looking.  Actually, it would make more sense if the octo-bear is the real horrorsaurus.

You might find it strange that a comic is being used to warn us of impending doom.  But if you think about it, it’s quite brilliant.  The bears are obviously monitoring our news media outlets.  If there were a serious story on the news about the approaching Bearmageddon, the bears would take steps to quiet the media down or launch some propaganda campaign of their own, as they’re obviously planning to take the general population unawares.  But little do they know that some humans have already been informed and are taking steps.  We need to spread the word so that we’ll be prepared to meet the bears in battle.

Did you like how I managed to fit all my favorite comics into this ridiculous post?  I even hinted at one I’ve never mentioned before.  But seriously, you should check out Bearmageddon.

Recently, an online acquaintance of mine was married and joined the ranks of the League of Married GentlemenSoon after getting married, he inquired after how long it takes before his ring would start manifesting its magical powers.  Now, being neither married nor a gentleman, this was a great revelation to me.  I never knew there was such a phenomenon as to one’s wedding ring unlocking one’s latent magical powers or granting one some powers if one didn’t already have latent magical powers.  But if you consider it, even briefly, you’ll realize that this makes sense.  There is plenty of precedent to rings unlocking or granting magical powers.  Wikipedia mentions that there are instances of magic rings in folklore of every country where there are rings.  And how about the Green Lantern Corps?  Granted, they don’t just have rings but also lanterns, but the ring is integral to the Corps and how members wield their powers.  Surely you know about the Green Lantern Corps.  Didn’t a movie just come out about them?  (I am not a movie person.)

But wait, you say, surely you can’t base all of your speculation off comics and folklore!  Pff.  Sure I can.  Comics are a very good source of information.  Need I remind you of Dr. McNinja or Axe Cop?  All very good and trustworthy sources of information.  But seeing as how you are not satisfied, I will also tell you that I have found a real life instance in which one of my married, male friends (who is arguably a gentleman) has unlocked his ring powers.

I kid you not.  I was as shocked and taken aback as you are.  I have known him for many years now and we are pretty good friends.  He did not have any interesting powers when we first met, through college, and beyond.  He was a fairly typical gEEky guy.  So, I couldn’t believe that he would and could hide something like that from me.  But it’s true.  I asked him directly and he confirmed it.  Of course, he started being very evasive and wouldn’t answer any more of my questions after my initial one.  I guess there’s some kind of League of Married Gentlemen code to not give out too much information after one’s ring powers have been unlocked.  But another (mutual) friend and I have talked it over and here’s what we believe happened.

So, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  I have this on very good authority.  However, I regret that I cannot inform you as to who my source is.  Sorry.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Anyway, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is led by the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables is the garlic.  Before learning about shamanism and the dance of the vegetables, my aforementioned “another friend” and I realized our friend, who is the king of the vegetables, bears an amazing resemblance to the garlic plant in Plants vs Zombies (which is on sale for 75% off at the writing of this post).  The resemblance actually has been getting stronger with each passing year.

Yes, he really does resemble the garlic. He has better teeth though.

So, you see?  The garlic is the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables leads the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is the first step to shamanism.  My friend is really a top notch shaman!  That’s his ring power!  He also has the ability to unlock the way of shamanism for others if they seek him out and convince him to lead the dance of the vegetables for them.  Or maybe with them.  I’m not too clear on that point.  And I know that he has done this at least once because I asked him if had led the dance of the vegetables and he affirmed it.

I am so amazed.  AMAZED!  My friend is actually a part of the League of Married Gentlemen and has unlocked his ring power!  I was trying to pinpoint when he unlocked this power so I could maybe relay some useful information back to my online acquaintance about what he might expect for his ring power.  But alas, I cannot.  All I know is that my garlic friend has been married for about four years now.  I’m not sure if his case is typical or not.  I have asked another one of my married, male friends who has been married for about two years or so about his ring powers.  He has not answered thus far.  His wife has though and she’s convinced that some of that ring power should be hers.  I…don’t know about that.  I don’t know if there’s a League of Married Gentleladies or anything, as 1) I am not married and 2) I am arguably not a lady, as I have neither the grace nor bearing of a lady.  I suppose I could fake being a lady if I had to, but I probably couldn’t sustain it for long periods of time and that doesn’t really help with the not being married thing anyway.  I’m ok with that because I would prefer to be a villain.  Mwaahahahhahaha!  Ahem…