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Tag Archives: choco

How to survive a zombie apocalypse with a scaredy-dog (1)

This post is about zombies, in case you couldn’t tell reading the title.  Not about peanut zombies, as depicted above (go check out his site, it’s the greatest), but zombies in general.

Recently, the CDC posted on their blog a brief list of things to do or have on hand in case of a zombie apocalypse.  This is very important.  You should always know what to do in case of an emergency and a zombie apocalypse is an emergent situation.  This got me thinking about how I would survive a zombie apocalypse.  I am apparently already well versed in zombie survival tactics.  Facebook told me so.  I took a few of the zombie related quizzes and my survival chance was always in the high 90th percentile.  I think I would stand a very good chance.  But the thing is, I might be in a group that does not know the proper zombie attack survival skills.  I mean, what if I was trying to survive with my dogs?

I’m not too worried about Choco.  She can be pretty stealthy when she wants to be.  All I have to do is take off her belled collar and you’d never know she was around.  That’s why she wears a belled collar to begin with.  She wouldn’t attract the zombies’ attention.

But what about Yaris?  Yaris is a bit of a scaredy-dog and she is not stealthy.  A friend often comments that her stealth rating is in the negatives.  That’s not stealthy at all (yet she still manages to catch and eat birds, but more on that another time).  Yaris might be so unstealthy that she’d end up attracting a lot of unwanted attention.  Well, basically any attention from the zombies is unwanted if the end goal is survival.  Anyway, what if she were like Captain Falcon and kept announcing her sneak?

This would be a problem.  Or…would it?  Zombies seem to be pretty willing to accept German Shepherd Dogs (GSDs) as their leader.  I’m not entirely sure if it’s only Hasta Mia that they’re willing to accept or if it’s all GSDs.  Seeing as how her brother was able to approach the zombies too and he’s also half GSD, I would say that zombies are just very tolerant of GSDs in general.  Yaris is a GSD.  The zombies might just ignore Yaris.  That would make her less of a liability to have around.  It might even get us close enough so that I could try Dr. McNinja’s technique for disabling zombies in close quarters when you cannot swing a weapon.  But wait, Dr. McNinja is a ninja and has had a lifetime of ninja training, you say.  How will you be able to mimic his technique?  Well, it’s true that I have not had a lifetime of ninja training, but I am a ninja.  Facebook told me so…and Facebook never lies and it wasn’t even a quiz that that told me I was a ninja this time, it was something else…and it’s classified.

Anyway, I think I may have unwittingly taken some of Frans Rayner’s ninja drug and became a ninja that way.  Anyway, because of that, obviously I would also be able to use Dr. McNinja’s method of close quarter fighting.  I would really like to try it out.

I guess if all else fails, I can always try and find a raptor.  Zombies are afraid of raptors.

Oh, oh!  Yaris has well-developed Yaris Beam!  How could I forget?

Choco’s Choco Beam isn’t fully developed yet, or it could be that she’s being stealthy and isn’t letting me know that she has full function of her Choco Beam.

At any rate, they’re both pretty smart dogs.  I’m sure they could be trained to unleash their respective beams to zap and/or fry zombies when necessary.  Maybe Yaris isn’t such a liability after all.  But she still wouldn’t be any good as a military dog.

This post was made possible by: Terry Border, Chris Hastings, Ethan and Malachai Nicolle, Matthew Taranto, the CDC, and zombies everywhere (the Western kind, not the Chinese hopping kind, more on that some other time).

The real anatomy of a pig

The other day, Choco decided that my elbow was in need of licking.  She insisted.  A friend suggested that maybe it was because my elbow tasted delicious, and that perhaps I had an abundance of elbow grease, and you know dogs, they love grease…and stuff.  But what if they do because elbow grease is really made of lard?  I mean, lard is greasy.  But how would I get lard on my elbow?  My elbow doesn’t naturally produce lard, I assure you.  I thought about it some, and I believe I have figured out what happened and also discovered the real anatomy of a pig.

What happened: I must have elbow dropped a pig at some point in the day and just didn’t notice.  It has to be a pig, you see, because lard come from pigs.  I must have elbow dropped the pig because the pig would then pop and lard would get all over my elbow.  Pigs are really big balloons filled with lard.  But wait, you say, what about pork and ham and bacon?  Where do they come from if not from pigs?  Well, obviously they come from porks and hams and bacons.  Duh.  Didn’t you learn these things in school?  And if you don’t believe that pigs are really balloons filled with lard, then I direct you to 1:37 of this video.

You didn’t see much lard coming out of the pig because it was an immature pig and hasn’t had time to fully ripen and fill with lard.  Also, it was green so it was probably moldy and will never mature into a full lard pig anyway.  That’s why they’re expendable and used in large-scale Angry Birds games.

Anyway, there you have it.  I elbow dropped a pig without knowing it and I got lard all over my elbow, greasing it up, and that caused Choco to insist upon helping me clean it off.  She is very helpful

By the way, I have discovered another type of pig.  It must be very rare because you don’t really hear about this often, but there is a type of pig that’s filled with cheese instead of lard.  Don’t believe me?  I found existence of this pig in a restaurant.

See the first item under Rice Plates?  It says “Cheese Filled Pork Chop w/ Rice.”  You’ll have to excuse them.  They bought into the propaganda that pork comes from pigs and thus they call it a “pork chop” instead of a “slice of cheese pig balloon,” but now is not the time to nit-pick (besides, you bought into the propaganda too, don’t lie).  The cheese pig exists (and I’ve ordered it before, you should try it and be adventurous)!  By the way, if you’re ever in Irvine around the IVC area, you should drop by and get some of their snowy ice.  It’s good stuff.

But wait, you say, all that aside about pigs, how can you elbow drop something and not notice?  Oh come now, you are always hurting yourself somehow and not knowing exactly how you did so, are you not?  This is approximately the same thing.  Didn’t you learn anything in school?  Oh, well…I guess you did.  You bought into all the propaganda.