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Tag Archives: zombies

Lasertomato (Part 2): The conspiracy

I mentioned in the last post that there might be something of a government conspiracy regarding the relationship between lasers and tomatoes.  Think about it.  When was the last time you heard about an accidental death involving the consumption of tomatoes?  You already know that improperly prepared marinara sauce can cause impromptu laser light shows.  And that’s with cooked tomatoes.  What if you were eating raw tomatoes?  Grape tomatoes and cherry tomatoes probably wouldn’t be too bad.  At worst, they could cause some blindness as they are used to focus the lasers in laser pointers and you definitely shouldn’t be pointing those into someone’s eyes.  There’s a reason why shining a laser pointer into the sky at an aircraft is a felony.  Don’t do it.

Anyway, if you don’t bite into a cherry or grape tomato properly, you might end up blinding someone, but that’s much better than frying your head into a crisp because you bit into an heirloom tomato.  People eat heirloom tomatoes all the time.  There are stories in the news ALL. THE. TIME. about how someone did something dumb.  Why aren’t these people also getting fried by lasertomatoes?  They are.  But the government doesn’t want you to know about it so they hush all those stories up.

But I have more proof.  You would think that lasers would be a pretty effective weapon against zombies, right?  I mean, obviously you should have a shotgun in your arsenal, but a laser would do really nicely.  You could fry the zombie’s head from afar.  Zombies don’t function as well without their heads.  So, lasers would be effective against zombies.  Tomatoes are integral components of lasers in terms of focus and eventual effective application of said lasers.  You would think that tomatoes would be something included in a game in which plants fend of zombies.  YET THEY ARE NOT.

Here is the almanac of all the plants in Plants vs Zombies.

Where are the tomatoes?

Note  that tomatoes are not represented.  They probably were at one point early on in game development.  I mean, it would be so obvious to have tomatoes fire lasers at the zombies.  I believe the tomatoes were taken out of the game due to government pressure.  They don’t want us to know about the relationship between lasers and tomatoes.  Think about it.  PvZ is a very popular, highly rated, cross-platform game.  It’s available on PC, Mac, iOS, Android, wp7, Xbox, PSN, DS.  This game has reached millions of people.  If PopCap had left the lasertomato in the game, too many people would find out about the tomatoes laser properties.  It’s a conspiracy.  And come Friday, I think you’ll see why the lasertomato has been kept such a secret.

Magic ring powers

Recently, an online acquaintance of mine was married and joined the ranks of the League of Married Gentlemen.  Soon after getting married, he inquired after how long it takes before his ring would start manifesting its magical powers.  Now, being neither married nor a gentleman, this was a great revelation to me.  I never knew there was such a phenomenon as to one’s wedding ring unlocking one’s latent magical powers or granting one some powers if one didn’t already have latent magical powers.  But if you consider it, even briefly, you’ll realize that this makes sense.  There is plenty of precedent to rings unlocking or granting magical powers.  Wikipedia mentions that there are instances of magic rings in folklore of every country where there are rings.  And how about the Green Lantern Corps?  Granted, they don’t just have rings but also lanterns, but the ring is integral to the Corps and how members wield their powers.  Surely you know about the Green Lantern Corps.  Didn’t a movie just come out about them?  (I am not a movie person.)

But wait, you say, surely you can’t base all of your speculation off comics and folklore!  Pff.  Sure I can.  Comics are a very good source of information.  Need I remind you of Dr. McNinja or Axe Cop?  All very good and trustworthy sources of information.  But seeing as how you are not satisfied, I will also tell you that I have found a real life instance in which one of my married, male friends (who is arguably a gentleman) has unlocked his ring powers.

I kid you not.  I was as shocked and taken aback as you are.  I have known him for many years now and we are pretty good friends.  He did not have any interesting powers when we first met, through college, and beyond.  He was a fairly typical gEEky guy.  So, I couldn’t believe that he would and could hide something like that from me.  But it’s true.  I asked him directly and he confirmed it.  Of course, he started being very evasive and wouldn’t answer any more of my questions after my initial one.  I guess there’s some kind of League of Married Gentlemen code to not give out too much information after one’s ring powers have been unlocked.  But another (mutual) friend and I have talked it over and here’s what we believe happened.

So, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  I have this on very good authority.  However, I regret that I cannot inform you as to who my source is.  Sorry.  You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Anyway, the first step to shamanism is that you need to do the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is led by the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables is the garlic.  Before learning about shamanism and the dance of the vegetables, my aforementioned “another friend” and I realized our friend, who is the king of the vegetables, bears an amazing resemblance to the garlic plant in Plants vs Zombies (which is on sale for 75% off at the writing of this post).  The resemblance actually has been getting stronger with each passing year.

Yes, he really does resemble the garlic. He has better teeth though.

So, you see?  The garlic is the king of the vegetables.  The king of the vegetables leads the dance of the vegetables.  The dance of the vegetables is the first step to shamanism.  My friend is really a top notch shaman!  That’s his ring power!  He also has the ability to unlock the way of shamanism for others if they seek him out and convince him to lead the dance of the vegetables for them.  Or maybe with them.  I’m not too clear on that point.  And I know that he has done this at least once because I asked him if had led the dance of the vegetables and he affirmed it.

I am so amazed.  AMAZED!  My friend is actually a part of the League of Married Gentlemen and has unlocked his ring power!  I was trying to pinpoint when he unlocked this power so I could maybe relay some useful information back to my online acquaintance about what he might expect for his ring power.  But alas, I cannot.  All I know is that my garlic friend has been married for about four years now.  I’m not sure if his case is typical or not.  I have asked another one of my married, male friends who has been married for about two years or so about his ring powers.  He has not answered thus far.  His wife has though and she’s convinced that some of that ring power should be hers.  I…don’t know about that.  I don’t know if there’s a League of Married Gentleladies or anything, as 1) I am not married and 2) I am arguably not a lady, as I have neither the grace nor bearing of a lady.  I suppose I could fake being a lady if I had to, but I probably couldn’t sustain it for long periods of time and that doesn’t really help with the not being married thing anyway.  I’m ok with that because I would prefer to be a villain.  Mwaahahahhahaha!  Ahem…