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The Dog Food Bandit

I have a new potential supervillain identity. And it makes for a really good exercise routine too. I am going to be…The Dog Food Bandit.

Think about it. You’re shopping at a big warehouse store and you leave your cart unobtrusively unattended at the side of a display in order to run down a crowded aisle to pick up an item. But when you get back, heavily laden with consumer goods, you find that your cart suspiciously now has a 35lb bag of dog food in it.

Bewildered, you look around for a cart with similar items without the dog food, but there don’t seem to be any unsupervised carts anywhere. You search awhile longer for your cart, but it’s in vain. Since the only logical explanation is that someone else had taken your cart without the dog food, you just unload your item into the cart, park the sack of dog food by a pallet of water, and continue on with your shopping trip, always suspiciously looking around to see if there’s someone else with similar items to yours in their cart.

Your bewilderment and bemusement stay with you for the rest of the day causing you a certain amount of unease. Why would someone steal your cart? What would be the point of such an exercise? That person now has the eggs you spent a great deal of time examining to make sure they matched you exact specifications. That cart thief probably doesn’t even appreciate the time and care you put into selecting the carton of eggs.

Yet…the cart thief seems to have a similar preference for perfect, unblemished eggs. In fact, the carton of eggs looks eerily similar to the one you had picked out earlier. But this definitely was not your cart. You definitely didn’t have a 35lb bag of dog food in your cart.

You give yourself a headache pondering the particulars of the situation.

And off to the side, lurking in the shadows, I rub my hands in glee as I watch you struggle with your predicament. Your day is ruined. And all I had to do was nonchalantly walk around the store with a 35lb of dog food to offload into your cart when you weren’t looking.

Biscuit baby

The other day, I got home really late.  I had left super early in the morning and got back really late.  The dogs were displeased.  They were hungry and bored and probably lonely even though they have each other to talk to and they were displeased.  And they decided to show their displeasure by escalating some of their usual antics, like shredding the cardboard boxes I leave out for them into extra fine bits and hiding their Kongs so I can’t find them to refill for the next day and in Horse’s case, by acquiring a biscuit baby.

What is a biscuit baby, you may ask.  Well, it is exactly like a food baby but made entirely of biscuits.  For you see, while I was away, Horse and Yaris decided to get into my closet where the extra biscuits are stored and rip open the box.  It’s a Costco sized box.  It contains a lot of biscuits.  The two of them ate fully half of the contents of that box.  There were crumbs everywhere.

Yaris was appropriately guilty and apologetic when I found out (and also because she’s vain, she did not have a biscuit baby because that would ruin her figure).  But Horse…Horse had the biggest belly ever.  He had a biscuit baby.  And then it was my turn to be displeased.