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Daily Archives: June 29th, 2011

Yesterday, while in a group dinner situation, we were passing around a bottle of Yogo Vera, a Korean peach-flavored? (the question mark is there because it tasted nothing like peach, but I clearly remember a picture of a peach on the bottle) yogurt drink, inexplicably labelled in Spanish on one side and fake English on the other.  Yes,  Spanish and fake English.  Languages that are not fashionable in the Koreas at this time.  We were rather confused as to why the company would choose to label their product in Spanish and fake English, but they had.

Now this got me thinking, maybe the bottle wasn’t labelled in fake English but Fake English.  They are easy to confuse as they are quite similar in some respects.  Maybe it’s labelled in Fake English because really the product was supposed to be shipped to Fake England but somehow made it to us instead (we do not live in Fake England, in case you are wondering).   I am able to deduce that products labelled in Fake English are meant for Fake England because Fake England is the only country which has Fake English as its national language.  The citizens of Fake England speak numerous other languages, as they are all quite talented, but their native tongue is Fake English.

Perhaps you have never heard of Fake England before, but you have more than likely sampled products Fake England exports and just didn’t know it.  They have a lot of cover companies.  But where do you think fake sugar comes from?  Or fake designer bags?  If you thought fake designer bags come from Hong Kong, you’re only partially correct.  Hong Kong has a trade agreement with Fake England to import their fake designer bags, which are really Fake designer bags.  You know the “knock-off bags” that sometimes look so good it’s hard to tell whether or not they’re fake?  It’s because they aren’t mere fake designer bags but Fake designer bags, ones made in Fake England.  They have high manufacturing standards.  The cheapo ones that you find are ones that are made in one of the countries on Earth.  I guess our manufacturing standards for fake goods are not as stringent as Fake England’s standards for their Fake goods.  I guess that makes sense.  They’re making real Fake goods after all and we’re just making knock-offs.

The same thing goes for fake sugar and Fake sugar.  When you consume a pastry, or something, and don’t realize that it was actually a diet pastry and contained no real sugar, that’s because it was made with Fake sugar and not that gross fake sugar stuff.  This…probably hasn’t happened to you.  That’s because Fake sugar is really hard to come by.  It’s very rare and you will cry tears of disbelief when you finally eat a pastry made with Fake sugar.  Then you will weep with sorrow because you will realize that you may never again taste the wonderment that is a pastry made with Fake sugar and you are forever doomed to eat pastries made with fake sugar.  Or you could just eat the non-diet kind.  You know.

Anyway, it’s not just Hong Kong that has a trade agreement (and portal) to Fake England.  A lot of the Asian countries do.  Some of the European countries also have trade agreements with Fake England.  I think sometimes Fake England will make trade agreements with individuals as well.  You rarely see a country selling off really wonderful Fake paintings after all.  It’s always a wealthy patron of the arts that somehow, mysteriously, with great aplomb unearths a wonderful masterpiece heretofore undiscovered by one of the great artists of yore and all the experts are taken in, and then several years later, after the wealthy patron of the arts has disappeared or died or something, alas the painting is discovered to be a fake!  How were so many experts deceived by such a ruse?  Obviously because it was a Fake.

Now, I’m not saying that Fake England exports all these things here to try and ruin us or something.  But they’re capitalists and we’re capitalists and we are definitely supplying them with a demand for Fake goods.  Think about it.