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I think I’ve found a way to make football more interesting.

Collective gasp!  Football?  More interesting??  How is this possible?!  I’m sure all of you now think that I’ve completely lost my mind, both football fans and football unfans alike.

Now, some of you may be thinking that football is already a perfect game and it’s sacrilegious for me to even suggest that the greatest game on earth could possibly be improved upon.  Others of you probably think it’s absolutely ridiculous to think that a game in which grown men violently chase an inflated pigskin around a field could be anything but the epitome of stupidity.  The suggestion that I could even think to improve this game is completely laughable.

Well, yes.  But, you might recall that ridiculousness is a specialty of mine. I can make most anything ridiculous. I enjoy making things ridiculous.  As for being sacrilegious, I don’t particularly think that I am.  Football isn’t a religion, no matter how much you love it.  It’s a sport…that some grown men (and women, but mostly men) play seriously.  They very seriously chase a pigskin around on a field.

Well, I can improve upon this.  This all came about because my friend‘s team recently won the KNFL Championship of Korea.  His team is the Seoul Warriors.  They were playing against the Domino’s Breakers.  Yes.  Domino’s.  Yes, that Domino’s.  Their sponsor is Domino’s Pizza and for some reason, they’re known as the Domino’s Breakers.  The Warriors’ sponsor is Subway.  I don’t know why they aren’t the Subway Warriors.  I think that would be hilarious.  But I digress.

So, my suggestion is that the team’s cheerleaders (the KNFL has cheerleaders, right?) should use those silly t-shirt cannons and shoot their team’s sponsor’s foodstuffs at the opposing team in order to distract them.  See?  How is this not a good idea?  So in the case of the Subway Warriors v. Domino’s Breakers, the field should be littered with sandwiches and pizzas…and cookies and cheesy bread and salads and bread bowl pastas and chips and…well, you get the idea.

Now football, or foodball, would be a big food fight while grown men chase an inflated pigskin around a field.  And during halftime, maybe a Jared can come out and entertain the crowd.  Maybe a whole bunch of Jareds.  Maybe the cheerleaders can be dressed as Jared.  Jared is Subway’s mascot after all.  Domino’s can revive the Noid.  I think the cheerleaders should probably all dress as the sponsors respective mascots.  And then they can take the t-shirt cannons and shoot food onto the field.  Then the players will either try playing football or tackle each other for choice foodstuffs.  Maybe a player can use his opponent’s distraction over a delicious pizza flung his way and run past him unscathed with the inflated pigskin.

I don’t see how this isn’t an improvement over football as played now.  This makes the game so much more interesting.  But…I’m not sure whether or not the players will get severe abdominal cramps from exercising so soon after eating though.  Or whether or not they’ll all just get food coma and pass out on the field.  That might not make for a very interesting game.  Hmm…

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