Skip navigation

This article was from awhile ago but I’m feeling uninspired and I pulled the most inspiring topic I had in the idea pool.  Maybe not so much as inspiring as ridiculous.  Anyway…

If you didn’t read the article, the author, Larry Doyle, wrote a tongue-in-cheek warning about our blooming world population and how it’s taxing our limited resources.  He makes some some interesting suggestions about what we should do about it; the most interesting (to me) is how he says that as the world population grows, it provides more incentive for man-eating aliens to attack us and eat us.  He then mentions that Americans (or USians, as I prefer) would probably be the most appetizing as they are well-marbled.  Well…that’s the part I have some issue with.  Note that I don’t take issue that we may be procreating ourselves to death by alien attack and consumption, but that he says that USians are well-marbled.

Marbling refers to meat that contains some intramuscular fat.  Marbling happens in cattle because they’re fed a lot of grains.  Cows aren’t really made to eat grains.  They’re supposed to eat grass.  But I digress.

So, I don’t think USians are well-marbled.  I don’t think USians would make very good steaks.  There may be some marbling, as we do eat a lot of grains, but mostly in the form of high fructose corn syrup.  At any rate, I would argue that actually USians would provide the man-eating aliens something more like fatback or pork belly or bacon.  You’ve seen those USians with the large percentage of abdominal fat.  That fat isn’t contained within muscle.  It’s just a ring of fat.  Around your middle.  At best, I think USians would be providing the aliens with things like salt pork, which I guess would be more like salt human, or something.

That brings up another issue.  Cows prepared for consumption are called beef.  Pigs prepared for consumption are called pork or ham or bacon…why do pigs have so many different names?  Anyway, if aliens are preparing humans for consumption, what are they called?  Chicken is still called chicken.  Actually, all poultry seem to retain their names even after they’re prepared for consumption.  Sheep don’t though.  They become mutton.  It occurs to me that you could have a roast lamb or roast pig.  It must be that if you can serve the whole animal, it retains its name even after being prepared for consumption. Erm…got distracted.  But, if aliens aren’t eating a whole human, what is a human prepared for consumption called?

And if you’re wondering if USians would be providing anything else besides the human equivalent of salt pork, fatback, bacon, etc, I think they would.  Livers that aren’t scarred by cirrhosis could be harvested for fois gras.  I would suggest that aliens could eat ribs, but I’m not sure how much meat are on ribs.  I know there’s the saying that some meals can be so hearty that they stick to your ribs, but do aliens want to eat all these previously consumed meals on their ribs?  Anyway, if nothing else, the aliens could make USians into soylent green.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: